Julie of course is already to do it (providing I put up the cash of course). I have my reservation but feel like I should support my daughter in any way I can.

I expect you’ll see it on the news soon.

Things have been rough ever since my child was being born and my ex invited another man to her birth. Needless to say I was pretty upset but I kept my head up and enjoyed the experience of my daughters birth. After that things calmed down a bit and I usually see my baby girl five nighs a week which I feel very lucky for because she gets to have her daddy in her life while court things settle out. Then things got heated again two days before Christmas when I was told her family was taking my daughter away on Christmas. I called my lawyer immediately and asked her two make sure I got to see my baby on Christmas as it was her first and I really wanted to see her for it. After all the wrangling was done they finally relented and let me be with my daughter from 8 am - 12 pm so it was a compromise I wasn’t really happy with but I got to spend time with the little one. During this fight I was reminded that I should be thankful I get to see my daughter right now because they don’t have to let me over all the time, basically holding it over my head that if I fight I won’t get to see my daughter.

It was a hard thing to fight as basically everyone told me that I’m a man and I pretty much have no rights. The bias in the family court is so overwhelming I see why men just give up and not try to be a part of their children’s lives. It is an uphill battle where you are the enemy and it seems like I’m fighting even my own lawyer to get things done. I was told that I probably wouldn’t be able to see my daughter on Christmas by my lawyer so I guess I was lucky they relented.

Another issue came up yesterday when I was told that a friend of the family and a potential love interest of my ex was coming in from Kansas City to stay the night. I can’t say how shocked I really was that my ex was bringing a guy that doesn’t live here around our daughter before they are in a relationship or anything. I fully expect my ex to date and hopefully she’ll get married to a very good man that will love her and my daughter bloth however I feel bringing random love interests around a child will only end up hurting the child. You’ll notice I keep being told these things last minute so I have no time to prepare or do anything about it. I begged my ex to either let my daughter stay the night at my house or they could both stay. She didn’t see the need for this and told me I was being ridiculous even though she wouldn’t be comfortable if the situation was reversed. Trying to make things amicable and to protect my daughter I sent my ex this email:

Julie,

As I stated before I really don’t want to fight with you about this. I’m really trying to make this amicable for everyone. Please let me daughter stay with me tomorrow as I don’t feel right having another man who may be a love interest to you around her when you guys never really see each other. This would be different if you two were in a long term relationship. I’m willing to pay you $500 outside of any custody money for your inconvenience and for the ability to know my daughter is safe. Please Please Please just grant me this one huge favor.

I never got a response on it. I talked to my lawyer and insisted we do something to have my baby stay the night with me. She setup an appointment to talk with me earlier today which I just got back from. Basically what I’m told unless my ex beats my child, smokes a rock or I can prove molestation I’m SOL as mothers have the ultimate right. There is nothing you can do as a father to protect your child even if the man that is spending the night sleeps in her room. The lawyer told me no judge will grant me temporary custody and they won’t file for it if they don’t think they can win.

All I can do now is hope my daughter is okay no matter how many men my ex brings over and has stay the night. It really sucks being treated like a second class citizen when it comes to your child. I thought we had done away with prejudice in this country but apparently that is only on race, it is still perfectly acceptable to have prejudice against a man trying to be a daddy to his daughter.

They put my uncle on a morphine drip and an anti-seizure medicine (i forget which) and basically that is all. Over the next 11 hours or so my family sat around and told stories. We told stories to remember the good times and to try to ignore that we were watching a family member slowly die.

It horrifies me that for such an advanced country we still can’t practice euthanasia. Instead we have to put people families through hell as they watch their loved ones suffer and slowly die instead of making it a quick five minute process.

Anyway I took a nap around at around 7:30ish as I was tired because i did not a good sleep the night before (go figure). It was time, my uncle’s heart beat was in the 40’s (compared to the 90-110 it was in before) and his blood pressure was some really low number.

I held my uncle’s arm and told him that it was okay to go. Everyone told them that they loved him and we all were silent. Just as my grandmother said Scott had taken a last breath he took another breath just to prove her wrong (he was always oner y like that). His body went lifeless and i didn’t know what to think.

Scott Dean was pronounced dead at 10:05 pm 10/27/2006 and his organs were donated as per his wishes.

I’ve never seen someone die and I still don’t know what to think maybe i just need some time, we’ll see.

Today I flew into Dallas to be here for my family. When i walked into the hospital I asked my Dad and Grandma to go get coffee to give me time with my uncle alone. Seeing my uncle there on a ventilator totally vulnerable just broke me down. My uncle has always been a very strong man and I have some really great memories from him (going to six flags a lot, jet skiing , etc.)

Anyway tomorrow they take my uncle off of life support (thank god) because we as a family decided we can’t let him be a vegetable. I just wish that I had gotten to tell him I loved him more. I told him today but I don’t know if he can hear me anymore but I don’t think that matters because he knows his family would always be there for him.

We got there kind of late at night but that first night I had already started meeting people from across the state. I met so many people that I had trouble remembering all the names even after seeing them quite a few times :)

On Saturday we had a pretty cool day and we went spelunking, well sorta we got to a deep drop off and didn’t feel like going down it so we turned around. I finally got some reading done in my book Notes from the Underground although I’m having a hard time following it. I guess he is trying to desrcibe how we feed off of our own feelings of shame/revenge/etc.

The guest speaker this weekend was pretty awesome and he had a pretty good message. I still don’t think I’ll ever fit anyone’s perfect definition of a Christian. I felt recharged from this weekend and I want to get out there again and start helping people (feed the poor).

I hope your weekend was as cool as mine and you learned a lot as well.